Change

It’s crazy to think of how much has changed this year.

Anxiety

Anxiety has pretty much been moot. I’ve traveled for five hours today and got a few hundred miles in. Sure, there were a few tense moments on the interstate hauling the RV around, but nothing major. I can’t believe how far I’ve come, even from last winter.

Social

I continue to build genuine connections with others based on who I honestly am. I’m no longer trying to appease people and morph myself into what is wanted from me. This has led to being rejected and rejecting social relationships. Saying no is a new thing for me and is very empowering.

I am left with deeper connections with those whom I bond with. I’ve had some game nights, cookouts, Mario Kart and bonfires with people who I care about. It’s nurturing for the soul.

Romantic Relationships

I’m right where I want to be. I’ve done much healing and find myself in a loving partnership with someone who speaks much of the same love languages. To love and feel loved is rather effortless for us. We are very much Quality Time and Acts of Service people, which is perfect for us.

We both fall on the INFJ spectrum and have a genderfluid relationship. Communication is excellent, conflict resolution is on par. I’m happily monogamous and find that we have both of our needs met. Nothing feels forced, and we maintain our agency.

Independence, personal social relationships, personal goals are essential to us. While we spend much time together, I feel as if we do an excellent job at encouraging each other to work towards our priorities, even if it doesn’t directly involve the other partner.

We are mindful that we are introverts and encourage each other to take time alone to decompress, but not so much that we have to create some absurd schedule. I’m looking forward to getting some traveling in with them this summer!

Feminism

I’ve reapproached this social community/headspace carefully and have decided to label myself as someone who supports feminism. I feel as if I have a greater understanding of the core ethos and found a sect of the community that shares much of the same values.

I’m finding myself becoming friends with some from the trans community, some from the body positivity movement. It’s been interesting keeping an open mind and acknowledging that each person has their methods of expression.

I’m finding that there’s a spectrum and I find myself more easily aligned with the queer community in whole. So far it seems that the focus is more on love and acceptance, instead of hate and power. To each their own, eh?

Ethics

I’ve come to terms that I’ve handled my previous relationship rather poorly and have forgiven myself. I tried to force something that just wasn’t working from the start; we were too different. I invested so much, so soon and went off the deep end. By the time I discovered that it was toxic, felt alone and miserable, I felt trapped due to sunk costs. Baggage Reclaim has an excellent article on this.

There’s a staggering difference between attachment and love. co-dependency and healthy independence. I was fresh out of a five-year relationship; I never lived alone. I was terrified. I clung to the first person who was available, as I always did so I wouldn’t be alone.

Something inside of me shattered around the beginning of the year. I became so intensely irritated of this bastard cycle I found myself in. Changing myself to appease people, feeling desperate for connection so I wouldn’t be alone. I’ve been doing this for so long, and it’s no wonder, I didn’t have normative family structure growing up.

Hurting people sucks. Especially those whom you considered friends or once thought you were in love with. On the one hand, I’m a victim of circumstance, on the other I’m responsible for my actions. I’ve swiftly cut ties with anyone whom I believed that I associated with under pretenses, this people pleasing person who changed himself to be liked.

You never quite knew who I was, I didn’t know either. I’ve always had the best intentions and did the best that I could.

What I found to have the most positive impact on my self-worth is having rules and boundaries for myself that I hold myself accountable to. How you handle social relationships, finances, all of it. Try it out! It’s incredible how much you add to your self-love when you are respecting yourself.

Travel

Since Flordia, I’ve been in and out of the state and have accrued many thousands of miles and hours. I find myself increasingly comfortable traveling. I may have a trip coming up in May to fly to Dallas to lead some training. Nervous? Yes, of course. However, I do find myself excited!

I’m no longer in Lafayette as of today. Lafayette was always the place that people in Frankfort went to hang out. I was born there; I once lived a block away from that hospital. My grandfather died there.

Finally.

Family

By golly, my daughter is growing up fast! Ugh, she’ll be 10 this year. I’m finding that technology is having a rather drastic impact on raising children these days. I find myself continually battling screen-time and setting boundaries for her. YouTube alone has brought so much new culture to the masses.

9 pm bedtime? Expect to hear of the latest “3 am, a challenge” that was posted on YouTube. A quick trip to the store? There’s a 24-hour challenge to discuss.

I got her a phone to take home with her to more easily keep in touch. This led to much fighting between kiddo and mother on screentime and distraction when she is already struggling in school. Sigh.

I always thought when I was growing up that I’d never have much “back in my day” moments. With cell phones and technology continuing to rapidly infest our lives, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Whatever happened to the “get off the internet, I need to use the phone” days? Now it’s all social media, Musically, hashtags and media. I can’t imagine what things will be like in a short few years.

Spirituality

I visited a psychic last weekend and found the experience to be rather interesting. I’ve previously had a perception that such an experience would be hokey snake oil. I’m finding myself more open to my spirituality in all forms and approached the experience with an open mind.

My objective assessment of the experience is that I believe that such an experience can be enlightening and helpful. My analytic mind goes to work and wants to put metrics around leading questions, perception management, and generalization.

On the other, I felt as if I had some genuine spiritual connection. One thing stood out to me; it was the way religion was explained, there are many ways to god, to enlightenment.

My partner performed a tarot card reading with me early on in our relationship. I found her method of approach interesting. We meditated for a bit, focused on channeling our energies. She led by writing her perceptions, what her guides were saying to her. Cards followed, in which her writing put them into context.

I found the experience to be healing and very enjoyable. I felt like we bonded and reached a deeper connection. I came to peace with specific experiences in the past, gained introspection as to why certain things happened, and things to look forward to in the future.

I think that when dealing with mysticism, there is always an element of interpretation. I think it’s lovely that such tools can be used to gain more in-depth introspection into ourselves. I remain open to the continued exploration into this side of myself, of course with an element of objectivity.

Overall

I find myself growing in love with myself, others, and my partner. It’s been painful, but I can say that I’m more independent. Anxiety continues to be a moot issue. Finally, I’m so incredibly excited to continue putting in the effort towards my goals!

Captain’s Log

Just checking in.. How is life?
Wow, it’s April! I’d say that I was enjoying the weather and such, but it’s been cold. We have warm days here and there but be sure to bring your jacket. I’m looking forward to warmer weather.

How is the RV lyyyfffeee?
It’s going! The newness has worn off which is a good thing. One of the more valuable lessons I’ve confirmed is that you really can’t prepare for the unknown. Thankfully a majority of the planning that went into the change went well! Space and storage is always a concern. I’ve gotten rid of so much, and I still feel as if there are things that don’t have utility or bring me joy. Pairing down clothing is one of the more significant challenges. You really have to stay on top of chores or your place will become hectic in short order.
I’ve mounted the Xbox to the back of the swiveling TV stand, added an outdoor motion activated solar light, hid the Apple TV and I have some electrical upgrades to stuff the NAS, Router into the bathroom closet storage, out of the way.

Challenges?
Finalizing moving out of the old place before I run out of time is a challenge. There are so many bad memories there, bad juju if you will. I really don’t need anything that is left in there, which further demotivates me. I have decided to keep the furniture, for now, it’s all pretty much new.

Prospects?
I might travel to Dallas in May for a bit, alone. Thankfully I’ll be there before the thick summer heat takes hold. Managing anxiety will be challenging, but manageable. I believe that the key is to stay excited about it. I made the trip on the way to California, twice, when I was a youngster.

Etc?
I’ve been less energetic. After hitting 26 days of doubling my daily move calorie consumption, I pretty much willfully succumbed to inactivity. It’s time to ramp back up again!

She makes me feel extensional, in all of the right ways

Queer, Vegan, Feminist. Three words, three labels that I was unsure of. Such words invoke a sense of intensity. Feminism, such a label I was unsure of within myself.

Vulnerability. Creativity. Hugs/Physicality. Best friends. Intimacy. Stories. Radical notions. Openness. Meditation. Vulnerability. Tacos.
The queer label is a misnomer. A label to end all labels. Contradiction. A writer. A poet. I was interested.Eye contact. The first thing I noticed. So much intensity. So much vulnerability. So much was left unsaid. Empath. Reading between the lines.

There is something to be said about someone that you can feel instantly comfortable around. Someone who transcends through your barriers, your walls so easily as if they weren’t even there.

I see you in your queer sexy masculinity paired with feminine feelings and movements and that you hug me small and in all your vulnerability.

Communication. So. Much. Communication. Intensity, but in all of the right ways. Boundaries. Healthy independence.

 

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A refocusing of this blog

It’s difficult to know how much you should share in a public space, at least in one that you are willing to share that is associated with your name. Coworkers, family members, friends, enemies, oh my.
Vulnerability is important, but not everyone should be let in. Some things are better left unsaid.
Today I launch a secret blog.. YES A SECRET BLOG. Wait, no. I don’t like that. How about an anonymous blog? Yes, that’ll do. It isn’t secret, it’s publicly available on the internet. It isn’t secret to those who matter.
I do have some goals I’d like to set for this one:

  • Featured images, consisting of my own work from now on
  • “Safe for work” content. Would I share what I’m writing with friends, family members?

That’s about it. Boom. Enjoy.