You know, I never thought I’d be comfortable enough to consider marrying someone. Even with my optimism, my thought that anything could be worked out; it just never felt right.
It was never due to failing to find someone who is “perfect,” or was sappy and swept me off my feet. Romanticism can often be an illogical reason to be with someone; emotions can lead one astray and sometimes lead to disaster.
Instead, I think a good relationship comes down to the acceptance that we are all a little bit less perfect, caring, loving, and sane as we’d like to be. It’s about finding someone who feels loved by how you express your love languages, and you, theirs.
It comes down to communication and trust. Maintaining your independence. Love is about action, what you can do for someone, and them, you. Even when the going gets tough, also when you feel a little bit less sweet then you’d like to be.
And, of course, there are a ton of other criteria, some of which cannot be measured or labeled, and some that aren’t fitting to share in the public space.
Did you know that lack of sex accounts for 70% of divorce?
I started looking for rings the other day and found the perfect one within a few minutes. I knew what I was looking for. We communicated how we’d like to handle it, which led to sharing my choice with her. It was perfect.
Ideally, your partner should be able to find a ring that you’d find beautiful on their own, that they know you that well. Still, there is some complexity on what budget to set as societal norms usually push towards the purchase of something financially irresponsible.
We budget together and share a bank account, our income is pooled together, and we allocate funds from our bucket. We award ourselves a modest sum for discretionary spending. It wouldn’t be practical for me to secretly spend a large amount, nor would it be in line with our shared goals, especially when it comes down to paying down debt and buying a home.
Still, I was able to share some choices that were handmade to order with a variety of options of materials and stones in the design I wanted. It’ll be a unique piece that is elegant and feels more meaningful than a mass produced product, yet be fiscally responsible.
We both want an actual wedding ceremony, honeymoon, but it isn’t something that we are rushing, or feel rushed to figure out. Marriage is and has been something that is optional for us. It isn’t something that we need to validate anything.
And it won’t be something that ends up to be a stressful pain for either of us. Proper time will be taken, with the preparations handled as it feels right and we have time. The whole concept of the wedding industry is awful to me. Weddings should never be this dreadful, stressful thing to plan.
And at the end of the day, yeah. It is a little scary. The voluntary commitment to be with someone for the foreseeable future. To entangle yourself with this flawed and imperfect person in vulnerability.
Yet, it feels right for both of us, it’s something that we’ve never considered finding. I’m thankful for every single experience I’ve had up to this point, as it’s led me to this beautiful and complex creature.
Getting married is a hugely significant and solemn step: for centuries, we did it under the guidance of religion, but nowadays, for many of us, faith no longer convinces. At the same time, we want to mark marriage with some kind of ritual and appropriate grandeur. That’s why the School of Life has redesigned the wedding ceremony, to bring it in line with modern ideals and the best insights of psychology.
^ A unique take on the marraige cerenomy, and guidance on successful marraiges.