Emotional Dachshund Theory

All I wanted this evening was some alone time to recharge between 8pm and 10pm. I wanted to gaze off and appreciate the one second LED blinking cycle of the Arduino board I tinkered with today, how there’s a halo around it when looking directly at the light, and the currents and logic repeat for all eternity, for as long as it has power.

The microcontroller has one job. Blink a light. It’s a job that it’ll happily do, aches to do, will die for to do, will check 8,000,000 times a second, 8,000,000 times each single, excruciating second asking, “Has it been a second yet?” just to begin again, repeating the same cycle. Forever.

I find comfort in this, that there’s order to the universe. Some underlying logic and a reason. I don’t understand everything, but it’s within the realm of possibility that I could.

But, this didn’t happen. Two hours of terse phone calls and text, family drama. I’m left annoyed, have a headache, and I’m emotionally exhausted.

I tell myself that such is life. I choose to try and respect other people’s worldview, even if they differ from my own. Humans are such a violent and emotional species, it’s rare that we can agree to disagree and move past. I believe that families and divorced parents get the worst of it, as we can’t just break it off and come to think of the other as practically deceased with enough time.

As as I get older, it becomes very clear to me just how temporary life is and it becomes ever so clear to me that there just isn’t time, nor energy for bullshit. I don’t care who who doesn’t invite me to what event, for whatever reason. I don’t care what wrongs someone has done in the past if I’m forced to continue keeping in contact with them, at least functionally.

No, I’m not perfect. I’ve had my own share of emotional outbursts (such as at work last week), previous partners, ex wife. I can and will continue doing this, and so will they as it’s part of the human condition. But what I can say with some certainty, I wish to deescalate or otherwise avoid as much drama as possible with those that I abhor (but I’m forced to maintain contact with), and how I handled the situation this evening leaves me with a sense that I did a good job that is in-line with my values.

There are two immutable truths that were said this evening, both by someone that is, or has to be known to be actively hostile and wishes me harm:

  • I’ve come from a very fecked up childhood and young adult life
  • That I’ve grown (and became a better person) over time

Thank you, I appreciate this.

It will be a challenge over the next few days to deal with the emotional baggage and process. I also have a very busy work week, so maybe I can practice some escapism by diving into work a little harder. The hardest lesson that I’ve learned in life so far is that nothing is perfect, and the good, no matter how good it is, it’ll usually always have some bad mixed in with it.

And if you are me, sometimes a whole fuckton of bad. As the cliche says, “You can’t control what happens to you, only how you respond to it.”

Here’s trying.